As usual, I have stayed away again for nearly two months. But as always, I have returned for a few minutes! I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately, and I just need a place to vent. Even with all of my other social media outlets, this vent is best placed here. Y'all get me here. You have all been through what I'm going through. And I love that. Well, that is assuming anyone still reads me anymore! I suck at this game. We've established this. Sorry!
Anyway, I've been getting down again. I know this routine well. But I still hate it. It's now been about a year since we started the adoption process. And it's been almost 7 months of officially waiting. When we first started, I was naively optimistic. I thought surely we would be matched within a few months. *sigh* What was I thinking? We have now had 6 profiling opportunities. Two chose another family, three we had to turn down because of money (that is the WORST feeling!), and one is still viewing. Though, I am definitely not getting my hopes up. I was just so excited to not have to say no to being shown! I'm just so ready to meet our baby. And I wish I knew when that would be. Our nursery has been ready for months. We have a dresser full of clothes; boy, girl, and unisex. We have our car seat and stroller. We have baby essentials. We have everything we need, except the actual baby. And of course in the mean time, everyone else doesn't stop announcing their pregnancies. That has gotten easier over time, but it still hurts. A lot. I seriously feel like that will never be us. I won't be the girl who tries for years and years. There will come a point when if it hasn't happened yet, I will just have to walk away. I think I'll know when I hit that point. I knew when I got to that point with TTC. *shrugs*
There's also another very major thing happening right now. And though it isn't actually happening to me, it still affects me. And it is absolutely breaking my heart. I hate it so hard. And I'm not ready for it. But it's going to happen regardless. Life really loves to kick you in the balls when you're already down, huh? Thanks, life. You really suck, sometimes.
I thought I would feel better after typing this out. But I don't. Not about any of it. I just wish there wasn't so much unknown going on right now. I wish I had answers to all of my questions. I wish my heart wasn't breaking into a million pieces. I wish that I had patience, hope, understanding, and faith in everything that's going on. But I don't. Not much, anyway.
As always, I hope you are all doing well! I hope more of you have finally ended your waiting. And I hope those with your babies are enjoying every single moment! I have no doubt that you are though.
*hugs and kisses*
