My monthly whining sesh.

So I'm sitting here editing photos. Today I had a photoshoot of a one month old and his parents. He is such a cutie, and I loved taking his pictures and loving on him! While doing so today, I was able to stay pre-occupied enough to stay distracted and not think about it. But now, as I'm going through the pictures, my heart starts hurting. And I know it's because my period is right around the corner, so I'm extra emotional. And if you notice in my blogs, they're always about a month apart. Its always this time of month when the sadness of not having a baby of our own hits me hard, and I feel the need to blog it out.

For the past couple of weeks I've been kind of torn. Part of me wants to start trying again...but part of me knows that I'm not ready, and that more than likely, it'll do no good anyways. We've been on a break for close to 6 months now. And we are rapidly coming up on the 3 year mark of this journey. Three years. Wow. Even I can't believe it. Why do I have to be such an emotional person? Why can't I be more stoic? Why am I still letting this get me down?

In my circle of friends, I am surrounded by pregnant women and women with newborns. And another handful of them that are trying. Which of course, most of them will be pregnant before long. And that just counts people that I hang out, not other people that I associate with, or know! I can't help but think of all of the pregncies and births I have seen so many go through since I started. But at least now, I'm happy for them all. I usually wasn't before. I'm at, and have been for awhile, the point where I have accepted that it might not be in our cards to have a baby. It doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt. But I know that this is a reality. Three years is a long time for nothing to have happened. ::shrugs:: Maybe this fall, we'll try IVF. Maybe we'll go straight to adoption. We still haven't decided. It is an incredibly difficult decision that we have not made yet. As with everything, only time will tell. And on the upside, at least there is only one week a month where I really think about this whole ordeal and cry over it. For the rest of the time, I usually handle it really well, and am okay with the fact that we are still taking a break. But there is always that little part wondering when we'll go back...