What if?

Because it is "that time of the month", that time where I turn into a big ole baby and just cry about everything, my thoughts about our infertility issues are in overdrive. For awhile, I've been all about going straight to adoption. It makes sense, it is the logical thing to do. But now, I'm not so sure. I've always had this feeling that I need to do IVF. Maybe it's just my eternal optimism, maybe it's just blind hope, or maybe it's my intuition. I don't know. But I just have a feeling that if we do in vitro, it will work. And we will have our family. Kyle isn't so sold on that idea. He would much rather have the greater odds of adoption working for us. I've gone back and forth. And I still really really want to try IVF first. But here's my main dilemma. Today, as I was thinking about it, I realized something. What if I convince him that we do IVF, and then it fails. I think I could accept it, realize that at least now I know, and move on. But I'm so scared that Kyle would blame me for us not having a baby, at that point. And I'm terrified that it could cause issues in our marriage. That thought alone makes me want to not even consider it! If we were to do IVF and it failed, we wouldn't be able to move on to adoption for several years. We would have to pay off the loan from our IVF cycle. Kyle and I have something wonderful together. And I would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. Even if it means doing something that I feel like I need to do...