My monthly whining sesh.

So I'm sitting here editing photos. Today I had a photoshoot of a one month old and his parents. He is such a cutie, and I loved taking his pictures and loving on him! While doing so today, I was able to stay pre-occupied enough to stay distracted and not think about it. But now, as I'm going through the pictures, my heart starts hurting. And I know it's because my period is right around the corner, so I'm extra emotional. And if you notice in my blogs, they're always about a month apart. Its always this time of month when the sadness of not having a baby of our own hits me hard, and I feel the need to blog it out.

For the past couple of weeks I've been kind of torn. Part of me wants to start trying again...but part of me knows that I'm not ready, and that more than likely, it'll do no good anyways. We've been on a break for close to 6 months now. And we are rapidly coming up on the 3 year mark of this journey. Three years. Wow. Even I can't believe it. Why do I have to be such an emotional person? Why can't I be more stoic? Why am I still letting this get me down?

In my circle of friends, I am surrounded by pregnant women and women with newborns. And another handful of them that are trying. Which of course, most of them will be pregnant before long. And that just counts people that I hang out, not other people that I associate with, or know! I can't help but think of all of the pregncies and births I have seen so many go through since I started. But at least now, I'm happy for them all. I usually wasn't before. I'm at, and have been for awhile, the point where I have accepted that it might not be in our cards to have a baby. It doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt. But I know that this is a reality. Three years is a long time for nothing to have happened. ::shrugs:: Maybe this fall, we'll try IVF. Maybe we'll go straight to adoption. We still haven't decided. It is an incredibly difficult decision that we have not made yet. As with everything, only time will tell. And on the upside, at least there is only one week a month where I really think about this whole ordeal and cry over it. For the rest of the time, I usually handle it really well, and am okay with the fact that we are still taking a break. But there is always that little part wondering when we'll go back...

Full of fail.

That's how I'm feeling these days. Why is it that it is so freakin' easy for most women to get pregnant. And I can't. The one thing that I want more than anything I can't have. I feel like such a failure. I'm failing myself. I'm failing my family. And most of all, I'm failing Kyle. He wants to be a Dad as much as I want to be a Mom. And that is a lot. And he is going to be an incredible Dad. Some day. But I have no idea when or how far off that day is.

It seems like every week, I find out someone else is pregnant. The list just keeps growing. And all of these pregnant women that I know, and all of the women who have just recently gave birth, they all get pregnant so easily. Most of them were either on accident or only trying for a few months. I have not been on birth control since January of 2006. And September 2006 when Kyle got home from Rhode Island is when we started trying. Two and a half years. Two and a half years!

The past few months with us not trying, I have been holding my shit together really well. But lately, it's slowly unraveling. And I can't stop it or fix it. And no, trying to get pregnant again is not an option to fix it. Why do I have to want this so much? Why can't I just say to myself, "You know Tiffany, it's not that big of a deal that you can't get pregnant. Get over it. Move on." Why can't it be that easy?? I'm not a bad person. I know I'm going to be a great Mom. But when?

I'm tired of disappointment. I'm tired of being broken hearted. I'm tired of crying.

Just another thing to think about...

Somehow, I don't know how, but I have never thought of this option before. But someone recently brought it up, and the more I think about it, the more I think I might like the idea...
I always assumed we would do in-vitro, then if it didn't work, move onto adoption. But I also knew that if that were the case, it would be at least a couple of years after IVF until we could afford to adopt. Kyle and I are both going to be 25 this fall. That would mean that we would be close to, if not past 30 by the time we could adopt and start our family! That's not we want. We started young for a reason! Anyways, someone suggested if we had thought about adopting first, and then doing IVF down the road. At first, I was like no. I want to try all of my options first. But the more I think about it, the more appealing it is. We could potentially start our family sooner! But of course, I haven't talked to Kyle about it yet...not sure what he will think...he is definitely the guy who always said he didn't see a reason why we should not be able to get pregnant in this day and age, and wanted to exhaust all other resources first. He will be home in a few days and we will sit down and discuss it...And it also depends on our finances. Same thing as with IVF, adoption is extremely expensive. So I'm not sure exactly when we would be able to afford it...I just need to win the lottery so we can afford to start our family!!

I know I haven't updated here in awhile. But I haven't had much to blog about as far as trying to get pregnant goes, seeing as how we aren't trying right now. I'm still not ready to go back to it.

But I guess I can give updates on other aspects of our life! Earlier this week, Kyle and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary!! And then a few days later was our 7 year anniversary of being together! Where does the time go?? We had a great day together though!!
Kyle works a lot. The ship is going out later this week, but only for a week. Then home for about a week, before the ship heads to the other side of the sound for it's shipyard period. They are going to be over there until at least the end of the year. Maybe longer. I'm still waiting to hear back about the daycare job. Apparently the have two 2nd interviews sometime this week, so no decision has been made. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they liked me best!!

My parents are going to be here in just over a month!! I can't wait to show them the Seattle area!! They will be here for a week!

Anyways, other than that, we don't have much going on! Hope all is well with everyone else!

Not over it...

Just when I started to finally feel better about things, and think that I was over it, I realize I'm not. I found out yet another one of my friends is pregnant with #2. I had just gotten over finding out one of my friends was pregnant, then someone else gets pregnant. It's a never ending vicious cycle. And it makes it painfully obvious that I am not okay with not being pregnant. I hate this feeling so much. I wish I could just make it go away. I know that one day, somehow, Kyle and I are going to be amazing parents. I just wish I knew when that day will be.

Still nothing.

So I have STILL not heard back about my referral. But here's a secret. I'm okay with it. After two and half years of dealing with all of this that I am finally at a point of being ready for a break. I can't deal with it anymore. I don't want to. ::shrugs:: We'll take some time off, and then go back to trying again. But I don't know when.
Maybe it will happen on our break. Maybe not. I don't know. But I will say this. If it does happen, it was not because I "finally relaxed and stopped thinking about it". If it does happen, and I hear that from anyone, I will not be able to hold my tongue. Just so you know, if anyone would feel the need to tell me that.

Anyways, so that is that. I will try to post here and keep it updated with our lives. Not that it's anything exciting! Haha! Hope all is well!

Lame.

I still haven't gotten my referral yet! Last week, the woman I spoke to, Katie Holmes (hehe), told me to call her Thursday to make sure everything had gone through. Well, I called her and she said I wasn't even in the system. She gave me another number to call, Angela. I left a message there, but never heard back from her. Then I called my doctor's office to see if they had put it through. No answer, left another message. When Misty called me back, she said that she had talked to Tricare, and since we live so far north that the referral wasn't automatically approved. She gave me yet another number to call. But by that point, that office had closed. I was going to call it first thing in the morning. But before I could, I got a call from Katie, and she told me to call my doctor's office and to have them fax the referral form straight to her and she would put me in the system herself. So I did. And I think Misty sent it to her. Gosh! What a run around! Hopefully I'll hear something soon, and then I can set up an appointment! Phew! I'm just ready to meet a new doctor and try some new things!

Luckily, I have Kyle's schedule written out for the next few months so that I can pick a date when he is off too. Right now, he's on a two day on/two day off schedule. That should make it fairly easy to find a day where he won't be working. I hate that the fertility clinic is at Ft. Lewis, which is in Tacoma, which is an hour and a half away. That's going to suck a lot when I have to go at least once a week, if not several times a week. Yuck. But I'm willing to do whatever I have to do!

Happy Friday the 13th today and Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow!

Possible TMI

I ovulated this month! On my own! With no meds! Or at least, I'm pretty sure I did. There's no way of telling for sure without the ultrasound, but I think I did. I don't think Kyle will make it home in time for it to matter though. But still! I'm not going to do the meds again next month to see if it was just one of the random ones, or what.

Hopefully I'll be hearing sometime this week when I can get an appointment for the Ft. Lewis fertility clinic.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend! I am! It's a beautiful sunny day! And my Boo comes home in 2 days!! Hooray!

Ever the optimist!

Today, Kyle and I were talking about what our next step will be with our treatments. We found out a couple of weeks ago that Ft. Lewis has a military fertility clinic, and we can do IVF there, and it's half the price! But there is a year long waiting list. As much as I don't want to have to wait another year, realistically, it's going to be that long until we could afford to do it directly through Seattle Reproductive Medicine at full price. And since it looks like it will be about a year either way, it looks like we're going to try to go the route of Ft. Lewis' clinic. But before I can be seen there to even get on the waiting list, I have to get a referral. I started the process today. It should clear within a few business days, then I can make an appointment. Right now, they're booking through the end of March. I am excited at the prospect of seeing a new doctor, an actual RE (reproductive endocrinologist). Who knows, maybe they will try something that Dr. Bob didn't. I have had this feeling for awhile that it is going to take IVF for us to get pregnant, but maybe it will happen before without. Who knows? Only time will tell! But if it does take IVF, we will have a year to save up some money and hopefully not have to take out as big of a loan. And that gives me a year to lose some more weight and get into better shape. So I am being optmistic about this all. Being a downer doesn't make it any better or happen any sooner!