We took Kennedy to a pumpkin patch today. And we got some of THE CUTEST pictures ever! I've always loved taking photos, but she is my new muse. I love this little girl so much. She is simply amazing.

Life as a mama has been incredible. It's everything I could have dreamed of, and more! She's still such a good baby, with such a good disposition. Sometimes, when I'm talking to her, or singing to her, I get so emotional that I just start to cry. I cannot believe that after all of this time, I am finally a mommy! I love you, Kennedy Claire! You are my heart. <3

After 5 long years...

I am finally a mama! 

Saturday, October 1st at 8PM, Kennedy Claire made her arrival into this world. She weighed 7lbs. 14oz, and was 20.5" long. 

We have actually been matched with "C" since the end of July. Not even one month after our last failed match, we were chosen again. We didn't share this news with many people though, just in case. And now, she's here. And she's all ours! We could not be more thrilled. It has been such an amazing feeling! And she is absolutely incredible! She is such a good baby. And oh my gosh is she gorgeous! I know all new moms say that, but seriously y'all! So beautiful! 

I promise I will update more soon! But for now, here are some pictures of my gorgeous girl! 

You guys! I'm a mom!!!!!

This little girl makes my heart so fulfilled and so happy! It is a truly indescribable feeling!

Hello, Friends!

I just realized that the last thing I wrote on here was the post about "R" deciding to parent. Kyle and I survived through the failed placement. It hurt. A lot. More than anything I've ever experienced. But we made it through, with the help of each other. I just realized a couple of days ago that Baby Boy is now 11 weeks old. I still think about him all of the time. I wonder how "R" is doing. I wonder how he's doing. I think about what could have been...I still wish them all the best. I just hope he's happy and healthy. 

We are still waiting to become parents. Though hopefully our wait will be over soon. 

I can't believe it's already September. For any of my long time readers, you may remember that this month has always been hard on me. September marks 5 years of trying to build a family. For five years, Kyle and I have been fighting tooth and nail to become parents. Five years?! Seriously?! *sigh* September also marked our one year anniversary of being home study complete. We just updated it. When we first started the process in April '10, I didn't actually think that we would have to renew it. Boy was I wrong! 

It took about a month after The Boy was born for me to be able to go back into the nursery. I went in there, touched his things, and had another good cry. I cried a LOT that first month. 

The nursery is still sitting there. Looking as sweet as always. Just waiting to be occupied. I have a love hate relationship with that room. I love it because it's beautiful, and I can't wait for it to belong to our baby. But I hate it because it reminds me of what we don't have. And that it's just an unoccupied room still. And that it's still just the two of us. I can't wait for the "And baby makes three!" moment.

But in the meantime, as always, Kyle and I are taking advantage of it being just the two of us. Since all extra money goes into our adoption fund, we're on a tighter budget. But that doesn't stop us from enjoying life! We go for drives, we hang out with friends, we've spent a lot of time this summer on the lake on our friends boats, we cuddle and watch movies, we go out for drinks with friends. We just enjoy our time together. It's nice. Even after nine and a half years together, we could not be happier. 

And we also have some visitors coming in the next couple of months! One of our friends from Washington is going to be in town in a few weeks. My bestie is coming back from Arizona at the end of October, for a visit. And my mom and one of my sisters will be here at the beginning of November!

Alright, I think I have sufficiently spammed your feed for now. I won't even say that I'll try to get better at updating, because we both know that's a lie. BUT once we do actually have something to update you on, I PROMISE I will. Okay?! I hope each and every one of you is doing well! I miss you all, and think about you and your families often. 

*hugs and kisses*

So we finally got "the call"...

But it wasn’t what we were expecting to hear. Apparently Baby Boy was born Thursday night. Friday afternoon, our agency called to let us know that  “R” decided to parent. Or more so that her family convinced her to parent. So he will not be coming home with us. And we are absolutely heart broken. 

 

We were SO close. We were days away from being parents. I know we aren't the first couple to go through a failed match. And I know that we aren't the first couple to experience this heartbreak. And I know that we will more than likely go on to successfully adopt a baby. But my heart hurts so very very much right now. It is, by far, the worst heartache of my life. I want the pain to go away. I want the tears to stop. But it's not, and they won't. I hate this so hard. 

We've barely spoken to anyone since we got the call. Since we had told everyone beforehand, we put out the appropriate messages on Facebook, Twitter, and what not. And we texted a handful of family and close friends. Calls, messages, and comments came flooding in. But they were all ignored. I just started responding to a few messages today. And the only person that I have spoken to on the phone is my best friend. I know as time goes on, it will get easier. But right now? It's still so very very hard. And forget about even trying to go into the nursery yet. Ugh. 

Anyway, I just wanted to let all of you know. I know a few of you are emotionally invested and have been waiting for some news. Sorry it wasn't want what you were hoping for. It wasn't what I was hoping for either...

Please keep us, “R”, and Baby Boy in your thoughts…

Still waiting for the call!

Baby Boy's due date is only 13 days away! I can't believe he's almost here!

R's doctor told her that he thinks that she'll go to at least her due date, so more than likely he won't be here before then. But I guess you never know.

We're all ready for him. His bag is bag. The car seat is installed. Everything is ready, all we need now is him! Those 72 hours after he is born are going to be excruciating, I'm sure. But we know that one way or another, things will work out how they're supposed to. We just have to keep faith, and remain cautiously optimistic.

I know I have been terrible and keeping my blog updated over the last 9 months. And I do apologize. Just haven't had much to share. But I promise I will keep you all updated on his arrival, and if/when the TPR is signed. Please keep Kyle and I in your thought over the next few weeks! Thanks bunch!

Hopefully my next post will be that he's here!

We met her!

 This weekend, Kyle and I took quite the little road trip. We drove 11 hours to Cincinnati, spent 18 hours there, and then turned around and came back home. The point of this trip? We met "R". The woman who has chosen us to raise her son. I am so glad that we had the opportunity to do this! It was such an incredible feeling to meet her and talk with her, face to face. Even though our meeting was short, and there wasn't a whole lot said, we walked away feeling really good about things. She seems confident in her decision of her adoption plan, and confident in her decision as us as Baby Boy's parents. He will arrive in 4-6 weeks! Eeeek! So exciting! When she goes into labor, we will be returning to Cincinnati.

I have been shopping like crazy! I just can't help myself! I finally have the opportunity to buy baby stuff for MY SON! And oh my gosh, this kid will be so styling, it's ridiculous! haha! He's going to be a little miniature Kyle, with the clothes that I have bought. Love it!

We are completely ready for him to come home. As soon as he's ready, so are we! I cannot believe that I am finally going to be a mommy! This thought still blows my  mind.

*SQUEEEEEEE*

Are you ready for this?!?

As of yesterday, Kyle and have been officially matched!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my gosh! STILL cannot believe it! the profiling opportunity that talked about last week, well she chose us! Baby boy is due June 9th! less than two months away!!!!!

I spoke with her on the phone last night. And it was so nerve wracking! and in 2 or 3 weeks we wiil go to Ohio to meet her in person. am so anxious/nervous/excited to meet her! what do i do? what do say?! any tips/suggestions/advice are are so very appreciated!

Anyway, now that been matched, hopefully l'll be better at keeping you all updated! please keep us in your thoughts in the next two months!
*hus and kisses*

Photos!

Since the weather has been cold, I haven't done a done of photo shoots (for fun or for clients), but here's a photo post of some of my most recent shots. I'm so glad the weather is finally warming up again! Enjoy!

I love love love this shot!

Icicles!

Katie and Maddie are getting SO big!

I love these little girls!

Pretty sure they love me back.

Another recent favorite. I love the simplicity of it.

It was -10 degrees this night!

9 years and still smiling!

This was the night of the "Super Moon".

Never too old to play in the snow!

Me and my best had a great time!

This is where we went for our anniversary weekend! It was AMAZING!

Tootsies in the tub!

I don't know what it was about this water bottle, but it caught my attention.

A gorgeous day in Lake Placid, NY.

The front of the hotel we stayed at.

This was before our couple's massage!

Happy Anniversary, Boo!

*sigh*

As usual, I have stayed away again for nearly two months. But as always, I have returned for a few minutes! I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately, and I just need a place to vent. Even with all of my other social media outlets, this vent is best placed here. Y'all get me here. You have all been through what I'm going through. And I love that. Well, that is assuming anyone still reads me anymore! I suck at this game. We've established this. Sorry! 

Anyway, I've been getting down again. I know this routine well. But I still hate it. It's now been about a year since we started the adoption process.  And it's been almost 7 months of officially waiting. When we first started, I was naively optimistic. I thought surely we would be matched within a few months. *sigh* What was I thinking? We  have now had  6 profiling opportunities. Two chose another family, three we had to turn down because of money (that is the WORST feeling!), and one is still viewing. Though, I am definitely not getting my hopes up. I was just so excited to not have to say no to being shown! I'm just so ready to meet our baby. And I wish I knew when that would be. Our nursery has been ready for months. We have a dresser full of clothes; boy, girl, and unisex. We have our car seat and stroller. We have baby essentials. We have everything we need, except the actual baby. And of course in the mean time, everyone else doesn't stop announcing their pregnancies. That has gotten easier over time, but it still hurts. A lot. I seriously feel like that will never be us. I won't be the girl who tries for years and years. There will come a point when if it hasn't happened yet, I will just have to walk away. I think I'll know when I hit that point. I knew when I got to that point with TTC. *shrugs* 

There's also another very major thing happening right now. And though it isn't actually happening to me, it still affects me. And it is absolutely breaking my heart. I hate it so hard. And I'm not ready for it. But it's going to happen regardless. Life really loves to kick you in the balls when you're already down, huh? Thanks, life. You really suck, sometimes. 

I thought I would feel better after typing this out. But I don't. Not about any of it. I just wish there wasn't so much unknown going on right now. I wish I had answers to all of my questions. I wish my heart wasn't breaking into a million pieces. I wish that I had patience, hope, understanding, and faith in everything that's going on. But I don't. Not much, anyway.

As always, I hope you are all doing well! I hope more of you have finally ended your waiting. And I hope those with your babies are enjoying every single moment! I have no doubt that you are though. 

*hugs and kisses*

Hello Friends!

Would'ya look at that! It's not even been 2+ months and I'm updating again! *gasp* Shocking, I know. ;)

I figured I had something semi-update worthy. We had another profiling situation this past week. That's the 4th one, for those of you who are keeping score. And for the second time, we had to turn it down. Once again, it was just too much money. We have an amount set aside, and it's just not possible for us to go much over that. Unfortunately, this situation was almost 10 grand more than our amount! It was a referral from a law firm, so we would be paying their fees and our agency fees. Of course, I was so sad. I hate having to say no to a potential chance. It breaks my heart. But it is what it is, I suppose.

We just passed the 5 month mark of officially waiting. And we are coming up quickly on the one year mark of starting the adoption process. Where does the time go??

Speaking of time flying, we have been living in New York for almost a year now. And we still really like it here! Also, next month will be mine and Kyle's 7 year wedding anniversary, and 9 years of being together! I cannot believe that! He has already planned a romantic anniversary weekend get-away next month. But he won't tell me where! I'm sure it will be a wonderful time! Even after 9 years, I still love him like crazy! And I can't imagine my life without him! *swoon*

That's about it for excitement around here. I'm just trying to keep my chin up. I'm am an eternal optimist. Though the last 4.5 years have definitely left their mark on my heart. I will go on. And I won't be giving up anytime soon. I hope you all are doing well! Thinking of you all often!
Smooches!