And so on and so forth...

Normally I don't copy and paste my blogs, but I'm in a foul mood and don't feel like retyping, so here's what's going on:

I am so frustrated right now. I had my first appointment since January today, with Dr. Bob. I was really hoping that we could try some new things or have some more ideas. But no, of course not. He wants to do the same thing as before. And the said after 2-3 cycles on this regimen, if nothing happens, then maybe we can try some more testing. Umm...excuse me? Seriously? It's been almost 3 years. How many more months does this man need?! And everything that I had planned on discussing with him went right out of the window when I heard that. I almost started bawling in his office. But I held my shit together because I had the boys right outside the door waiting on me. I'm just so upset. I've been crying all afternoon. I just don't get why this has to be so hard. So I guess for now, the game plan is to do it his way for a few months, and then after September, when Kyle gets his raise, maybe I can finally get a referral to Seattle Reproductive Medicine. That's what I really want...but hey, since when do I ever get what I want? Guess like with everything else, only time will tell. More waiting. Imagine that. I don't know why I thought that starting to try again would be a good idea, or for that fact, that it would be easy...

On another note, I started my new nanny job yesterday. It's going well. The two boys, 6 and 9, are pretty well behaved boys. And they are super cute too! They have a few attitude issues, but what kid doesn't? And they fight, but hey, that's to be expected. I really like the whole family. They're all very nice! It's so nice to be working again!

Kyle is STILL over in Bremerton. He's been there a week and half now. He was only supposed to be gone 4 days. Clearly that didn't work out. And what sucks is we don't know when he'll be home. Hopefully in the next day or two, but how many times have I said that in the last week? And then, on top of that, he has to go back on Monday or Tuesday, and do the same thing for the other plant! And like before, it's only scheduled for 4 days. Yah, I bet!

Anyways, I'm done for now. Clearly I am not in a good mood today. Suck.

Dr. Bob, here I come!

After getting the run around from Tricare and several doctor offices in the area, I realized that hardly anyone covers Tricare, especially when it comes to GYNs with an infertility speciality. I found one that cover Tricare standard, but I'm on Prime. And if you go down to Standard, you are locked into it for a year. No thanks. So after much frustration, I have decided to just go back to Dr. Bob. This time, I plan on vocalizing what I want, and see if we can accomplish something this time. And if not, hopefully in a few months we'll be able to go to SRM finally! I got my referral and made an appointment. I'm going to go see Dr. Bob on the 30th. Hopefully it goes well! Guess we'll see!

Hooray!

I got the job! No more being unemployed for this girl! I had my interview with the family today. Things went really well. Apparently, Heather already had her mind made up that she loved me! But she told me that she had to interview one other girl, just because. Haha! And then she called me around 5:30 or so, and confirmed it! Then she asked if I would mind coming over tonight for a dry run, and baby-sit while they went on a date night. The older boy, Cobe, was spending the night at a friend's house, so it was just Chase and I. We got along great! He seems like a good kid! Anyways, I officially start on June 29th, once they get back from their family vacay to Florida. But I will be so glad to be working again! Finally!!

A few things.

First of all, Kyle and I have decided that our break from trying is going to be over soon. I decided against waiting to go to SRM. And yesterday I called my doctor about a referral to another fertility doctor that was in our insurance network. I told her I would like to see someone different than before. She was going to do some research and call me back either today or Monday. Hopefully she'll find someone that we like!! Kyle was more than thrilled when I told him I was ready to start trying again. He didn't want to quit in the first place, but I needed that break. Guess we'll see where things go from here!

Secondly, I had/have three interviews this week for jobs!! Yesterday and today were for two different daycare centers. And tomorrow, I have one for a nanny job. I'm really hoping the nanny one works out, it would be my first choice! And then on Monday, I go for a "working interview" for the daycare I interviewed at yesterday. They'll put me in the classroom with the kids and see how it goes. I'm really hoping at least one of the places want to hire me! I have been unemployed for entirely too long!! ::fingers crossed::

Thirdly, it is looking really good for us to be out of here by April-ish of next year!! Kyle has been doing all of the paper work that needs to be done and talking to the right people. We should have a better idea in the next couple of months as to when for sure. But for now, that is what we're hoping for! YAY!!

Anyways, those are the highlights for now! I'll keep you posted on the doctor and the jobs and orders as I find them out!

Just say hello!

I know I get a lot of views on my blog. But I don't know who reads it! Please just comment and say hello! I'd like to know who my audience is. Even if I don't know you, say hi! I won't think you're a weirdo! Haha! There are several blogs that I follow, that I have no idea who they are! I just enjoy reading.

Anyways, thanks for stopping by! And I appreciate you taking the time to read my blog.

Bummer.

I found out a good friend from back home is pregnant. They weren't even trying yet, about to start. She had told my Mom that she was nervous about telling me. But she did not seem all that concerned when she shouted it out on my Myspace. I just don't get it. Why is it so easy for some? Here we are, wanting it more than anything. We want a family so bad that we are getting ready to drop at least $15,000 on a CHANCE that we might get pregnant. And that's if we go IVF. It'll be more if we do adoption. Fifteen THOUSAND dollars. That is so much money. But we are more than willing to pay it. I just hate this.

I'm back at the point where I've been thinking about starting back trying again. But the thing is that I want to do it right this time. I want the best doctors, which means going to Seattle Reproductive Medicine. They are phenomenol there. I have heard nothing but good. But they don't accept Tricare(even though Tricare doesn't cover infertility treatments, they do cover diagnosis, office visits, and usually lab work when it's accepted by the doctor) which means everything will be out of pocket. And we can't afford to do that just yet. Hopefully I can find a job soon. Kyle just made rank, and should start getting paid for it sometime in the next few months. And plus, with his re-enlistment bonus, assuming we still go that route, that will all help. But we have to wait until that all comes together.

I'm just so tired of waiting. Waiting for something that might take years. Waiting for something that might not ever happen. And I'm tired of always complaining about this whole thing. Ugh. At least, posting it here, only the people who want to read it will. As opposed to posting it on Myspace where you never know what you're going to get in a blog. I don't feel bad putting it up on Blogger because the people who read it know what this blog is for. But I can't quit complaining, but it hasn't stopped hurting. Maybe it will one day. But probably not.

Anyways, I guess I'm done for now. I need to suck it up and go try to be productive.

My monthly whining sesh.

So I'm sitting here editing photos. Today I had a photoshoot of a one month old and his parents. He is such a cutie, and I loved taking his pictures and loving on him! While doing so today, I was able to stay pre-occupied enough to stay distracted and not think about it. But now, as I'm going through the pictures, my heart starts hurting. And I know it's because my period is right around the corner, so I'm extra emotional. And if you notice in my blogs, they're always about a month apart. Its always this time of month when the sadness of not having a baby of our own hits me hard, and I feel the need to blog it out.

For the past couple of weeks I've been kind of torn. Part of me wants to start trying again...but part of me knows that I'm not ready, and that more than likely, it'll do no good anyways. We've been on a break for close to 6 months now. And we are rapidly coming up on the 3 year mark of this journey. Three years. Wow. Even I can't believe it. Why do I have to be such an emotional person? Why can't I be more stoic? Why am I still letting this get me down?

In my circle of friends, I am surrounded by pregnant women and women with newborns. And another handful of them that are trying. Which of course, most of them will be pregnant before long. And that just counts people that I hang out, not other people that I associate with, or know! I can't help but think of all of the pregncies and births I have seen so many go through since I started. But at least now, I'm happy for them all. I usually wasn't before. I'm at, and have been for awhile, the point where I have accepted that it might not be in our cards to have a baby. It doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt. But I know that this is a reality. Three years is a long time for nothing to have happened. ::shrugs:: Maybe this fall, we'll try IVF. Maybe we'll go straight to adoption. We still haven't decided. It is an incredibly difficult decision that we have not made yet. As with everything, only time will tell. And on the upside, at least there is only one week a month where I really think about this whole ordeal and cry over it. For the rest of the time, I usually handle it really well, and am okay with the fact that we are still taking a break. But there is always that little part wondering when we'll go back...

Full of fail.

That's how I'm feeling these days. Why is it that it is so freakin' easy for most women to get pregnant. And I can't. The one thing that I want more than anything I can't have. I feel like such a failure. I'm failing myself. I'm failing my family. And most of all, I'm failing Kyle. He wants to be a Dad as much as I want to be a Mom. And that is a lot. And he is going to be an incredible Dad. Some day. But I have no idea when or how far off that day is.

It seems like every week, I find out someone else is pregnant. The list just keeps growing. And all of these pregnant women that I know, and all of the women who have just recently gave birth, they all get pregnant so easily. Most of them were either on accident or only trying for a few months. I have not been on birth control since January of 2006. And September 2006 when Kyle got home from Rhode Island is when we started trying. Two and a half years. Two and a half years!

The past few months with us not trying, I have been holding my shit together really well. But lately, it's slowly unraveling. And I can't stop it or fix it. And no, trying to get pregnant again is not an option to fix it. Why do I have to want this so much? Why can't I just say to myself, "You know Tiffany, it's not that big of a deal that you can't get pregnant. Get over it. Move on." Why can't it be that easy?? I'm not a bad person. I know I'm going to be a great Mom. But when?

I'm tired of disappointment. I'm tired of being broken hearted. I'm tired of crying.

Just another thing to think about...

Somehow, I don't know how, but I have never thought of this option before. But someone recently brought it up, and the more I think about it, the more I think I might like the idea...
I always assumed we would do in-vitro, then if it didn't work, move onto adoption. But I also knew that if that were the case, it would be at least a couple of years after IVF until we could afford to adopt. Kyle and I are both going to be 25 this fall. That would mean that we would be close to, if not past 30 by the time we could adopt and start our family! That's not we want. We started young for a reason! Anyways, someone suggested if we had thought about adopting first, and then doing IVF down the road. At first, I was like no. I want to try all of my options first. But the more I think about it, the more appealing it is. We could potentially start our family sooner! But of course, I haven't talked to Kyle about it yet...not sure what he will think...he is definitely the guy who always said he didn't see a reason why we should not be able to get pregnant in this day and age, and wanted to exhaust all other resources first. He will be home in a few days and we will sit down and discuss it...And it also depends on our finances. Same thing as with IVF, adoption is extremely expensive. So I'm not sure exactly when we would be able to afford it...I just need to win the lottery so we can afford to start our family!!

I know I haven't updated here in awhile. But I haven't had much to blog about as far as trying to get pregnant goes, seeing as how we aren't trying right now. I'm still not ready to go back to it.

But I guess I can give updates on other aspects of our life! Earlier this week, Kyle and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary!! And then a few days later was our 7 year anniversary of being together! Where does the time go?? We had a great day together though!!
Kyle works a lot. The ship is going out later this week, but only for a week. Then home for about a week, before the ship heads to the other side of the sound for it's shipyard period. They are going to be over there until at least the end of the year. Maybe longer. I'm still waiting to hear back about the daycare job. Apparently the have two 2nd interviews sometime this week, so no decision has been made. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they liked me best!!

My parents are going to be here in just over a month!! I can't wait to show them the Seattle area!! They will be here for a week!

Anyways, other than that, we don't have much going on! Hope all is well with everyone else!

Not over it...

Just when I started to finally feel better about things, and think that I was over it, I realize I'm not. I found out yet another one of my friends is pregnant with #2. I had just gotten over finding out one of my friends was pregnant, then someone else gets pregnant. It's a never ending vicious cycle. And it makes it painfully obvious that I am not okay with not being pregnant. I hate this feeling so much. I wish I could just make it go away. I know that one day, somehow, Kyle and I are going to be amazing parents. I just wish I knew when that day will be.

Still nothing.

So I have STILL not heard back about my referral. But here's a secret. I'm okay with it. After two and half years of dealing with all of this that I am finally at a point of being ready for a break. I can't deal with it anymore. I don't want to. ::shrugs:: We'll take some time off, and then go back to trying again. But I don't know when.
Maybe it will happen on our break. Maybe not. I don't know. But I will say this. If it does happen, it was not because I "finally relaxed and stopped thinking about it". If it does happen, and I hear that from anyone, I will not be able to hold my tongue. Just so you know, if anyone would feel the need to tell me that.

Anyways, so that is that. I will try to post here and keep it updated with our lives. Not that it's anything exciting! Haha! Hope all is well!

Lame.

I still haven't gotten my referral yet! Last week, the woman I spoke to, Katie Holmes (hehe), told me to call her Thursday to make sure everything had gone through. Well, I called her and she said I wasn't even in the system. She gave me another number to call, Angela. I left a message there, but never heard back from her. Then I called my doctor's office to see if they had put it through. No answer, left another message. When Misty called me back, she said that she had talked to Tricare, and since we live so far north that the referral wasn't automatically approved. She gave me yet another number to call. But by that point, that office had closed. I was going to call it first thing in the morning. But before I could, I got a call from Katie, and she told me to call my doctor's office and to have them fax the referral form straight to her and she would put me in the system herself. So I did. And I think Misty sent it to her. Gosh! What a run around! Hopefully I'll hear something soon, and then I can set up an appointment! Phew! I'm just ready to meet a new doctor and try some new things!

Luckily, I have Kyle's schedule written out for the next few months so that I can pick a date when he is off too. Right now, he's on a two day on/two day off schedule. That should make it fairly easy to find a day where he won't be working. I hate that the fertility clinic is at Ft. Lewis, which is in Tacoma, which is an hour and a half away. That's going to suck a lot when I have to go at least once a week, if not several times a week. Yuck. But I'm willing to do whatever I have to do!

Happy Friday the 13th today and Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow!

Possible TMI

I ovulated this month! On my own! With no meds! Or at least, I'm pretty sure I did. There's no way of telling for sure without the ultrasound, but I think I did. I don't think Kyle will make it home in time for it to matter though. But still! I'm not going to do the meds again next month to see if it was just one of the random ones, or what.

Hopefully I'll be hearing sometime this week when I can get an appointment for the Ft. Lewis fertility clinic.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend! I am! It's a beautiful sunny day! And my Boo comes home in 2 days!! Hooray!

Ever the optimist!

Today, Kyle and I were talking about what our next step will be with our treatments. We found out a couple of weeks ago that Ft. Lewis has a military fertility clinic, and we can do IVF there, and it's half the price! But there is a year long waiting list. As much as I don't want to have to wait another year, realistically, it's going to be that long until we could afford to do it directly through Seattle Reproductive Medicine at full price. And since it looks like it will be about a year either way, it looks like we're going to try to go the route of Ft. Lewis' clinic. But before I can be seen there to even get on the waiting list, I have to get a referral. I started the process today. It should clear within a few business days, then I can make an appointment. Right now, they're booking through the end of March. I am excited at the prospect of seeing a new doctor, an actual RE (reproductive endocrinologist). Who knows, maybe they will try something that Dr. Bob didn't. I have had this feeling for awhile that it is going to take IVF for us to get pregnant, but maybe it will happen before without. Who knows? Only time will tell! But if it does take IVF, we will have a year to save up some money and hopefully not have to take out as big of a loan. And that gives me a year to lose some more weight and get into better shape. So I am being optmistic about this all. Being a downer doesn't make it any better or happen any sooner!