New York, New York!

That's right, folks! We accepted orders to New York. We haven't gotten the official orders yet, but should have them sometime in the next couple of weeks. That will tell us when we have to be in NY, so thereby telling us when we're leaving here. I'm guessing it'll be early March. Unless they interpret them to mean us being in NY by March. Which that might be a little too quickly for my liking! We're looking forward to leaving Washington and going somewhere new. But we're also still kind of bummed that we didn't get South Carolina. Here's to hoping we like living in New York!

Now that we know, I need to start filtering through some adoption agencies there. Hopefully we can find a couple that we really like. And maybe even check them out in person if we go there for house hunting leave.

I'm really nervous about starting over again! Once it happens and I adjust, I love change. But at first, I hate it! I get so scared, nervous, and anxious! This is definitely not even close to the first time I have moved and had to start over! We moved around a bit as kids, and then this will be my third major move with Kyle. I have never had a problem making friends, but I'm always scared that I'm going to this time! And I'm always scared about starting a new job, and being in a new place! But as always, I'm sure I will be just fine! I am incredibly sad to leave my friends though. I have the two most amazing best friends a girl could ask for! What am I going to do without them?!

STILL no word on orders. I'm so ready to know already! I've been super emotional lately and I know this is factoring into my current "need to know" feelings. We have been waiting for over three years. I think that's long enough. I know that there are people out there who have waited and are still waiting, for longer periods of time than this, but they shouldn't have to keep waiting either!

Yet another birthday came and went. And so did the birth of one of my best friend's baby! I was hoping she would have arrived on my birthday, but she missed it by a few hours. I was lucky enough to be a part of the labor and delivery. It was my third time to be able to be a part of that experience. This time was different though. Mostly because watching her go through it, I was incredibly jealous. It really hit close to home and reminded me that it is something that I will probably never get to experience firsthand. I'm so happy for her. I'm so happy for all of my pregnant friends/friends with kids. And seeing her with this new one, fills me with love. She is such a great Mom! Not only to this one, but to her two others as well. She has the most well-behaved and loving children of anyone I know. But seeing her with the new baby always fills me with sadness. More than anything, I want to have those feelings that she has right now. Holding a brand new baby and knowing that she is all yours. Knowing that you are this tiny person's whole world. And knowing that you have never felt as much love as you do that very minute. Instead, when I hold a baby I get the feelings of knowing that I have to give him back, knowing that he doesn't know me by smell or sound, and knowing that I might not ever get to feel what most of my friends have already felt. Getting pregnant is something that so many women take for granted. They're too busy complaining about the bad, to really stop and think about how lucky they really are.

Happy Quarter Life Crisis to Me!

Today is my 25th birthday! I have been waiting for this birthday for a long time. Mostly because 25 is my favorite number. And it always seemed like an ideal age. This year, I'm 25 on the 25th! That makes me smile! Seriously folks, it's the little things in life! Along with the birth of yours truly, here are some other significant things/people that turned 25 this year! My Little Ponies (hell yes!), Tetris (the only game that I actually like!), Katy Perry, Macintosh, Prince Harry, The Ronald McDonald House, Scarlett Johansson, Burt's Bees, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles(very significant), and Khloe Kardashian just to name a few. 1984 was a good year! (Seriously, how old do you feel now?)

I've got a lot of hope for this next year. I'm hoping my year of being 25 will be a great one! We will be moving, possibly buying a house, and starting (and maybe even possibly hopefully finishing) the adoption process. I think 25 would be a great year to finally become a Momma! I also hope to take some more photography classes this year, after we get moved. And I also want to lose some weight(already got that ball rolling, ever so slowly). I hope this year is a good one!

Later today, I will be celebrating with my bests. Lunch at my favorite Chinese restaurant! Yum! That is, assuming that Brina doesn't go into labor, causing us to have a birthday party at the hospital! Though, I am secretly hoping that Jessa will make her appearance today! I would love to share my birthday with her! Anyways, if Jessa doesn't arrive, after lunch, I will spend the rest of the afternoon with my Boo!

And then, this weekend, we're all going out to dinner in Seattle at The Pink Door. Super fun!

With that, I am off to bed! This girl has got a 9 a.m. photo shoot!

Happy Birthday to me!!!

My poor Boo!

Kyle is sick. Poor guy! He has the flu. Not sure whether it's the regular flu or H1N1. Not that it really matters either way. He was supposed to still be stuck on the ship, but he got sick so they sent him home yesterday morning. He's staying home again tomorrow, I'm guessing he'll go back on Sunday. And then will hopefully be home again on Wednesday. His fever spiked really high this morning and we were getting ready to go to the ER, but luckily it came down and hasn't gotten much higher than 102 the rest of the day. Hopefully it stays down all night, and we don't have to make a late night trip to the ER. And hopefully I don't catch it either! Especially with Jessa's birth approaching. I am going to be one of Brina's "birthing partners". But if I'm sick, I won't be able to be in the delivery room!! I will be heartbroken! She's being induced on the 30th, but there is always the chance that she could go into labor before then.

I finally added some new pictures to my photography page. http://photographybytiffany.shutterfly.com/
Go look!

It's really looking like we'll be going to New York. It's still not official, but that's the way it seems to be leaning. I'm kind of bummed about that because I found out that New York has a 30-45 day consent revoking period on adoption. South Carolina is an irrevocable state. But so is Massachusetts, which is right next to New York. That might be a possible option to consider...

I have been off work all this week, and again all next week too. My bosses are both on vacation, so I wasn't needed. It's been nice for me! But sucky for my paycheck. But I have been managing to get back in the gym these past couple of weeks. And I plan to continue. This big girl has got to do something!!! Homegirl is getting hefty!!

We also had a change of plans for next weekend's birthday dinner. The Melting Pot was giving me the run around for making reservations for a large group. So we have decided to go to The Pink Door instead! www.thepinkdoor.net/ This place is supposed to be really neat! I'm excited!

Anyways, my sick husband is calling! Time to go play nurse again! Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

A little of this. A little of that.

Kyle is stuck on the ship for awhile. They're fast cruising, which means they're pretending to be underway, but they're really not. It's dumb. But luckily, Kyle came home for awhile today. Even though I am more than used to him being gone all the time, I still miss him whenever he's gone! Even if it's only been 4 days since I've seen him! More than likely, I won't see him again until at least the 23rd. I hope they can stay on schedule so that he will make it home for my birthday on the 25th!! And then hopefully he's also home for Thanksgiving, and then that Saturday is our big November birthdays dinner at The Melting Pot. I'm really excited for it!!

I am so annoyed with my dentist. Three weeks ago, I had my regular check-up and cleaning. I had a tooth that needed a filling. It wasn't giving me any problems prior to this. I went back in the next week to get it fixed. Several days later, it was hurting! I called, they had me come back in, and they grinded it down, adjusting my bite. He said to give it several days, Well almost a week later, it was still hurting! I couldn't chew on it! So I go back in, and they completely replaced the filling. That was on Wednesday. Well today, it feels like it did before he replaced the new filling. Ugh. I'm so annoyed. I really do not want to go back in AGAIN to get a third filling in the same tooth, in three weeks! Not okay. If I do go back, I will be asking for a different dentist to fix it this time.

I am dog sitting this week. My best, Erin, went home for a visit, and I'm looking out after her poochies. She has a teacup yorkie and a teacup pom. They are so cute and so sweet! I always look after them for her, and luckily my cat and dog don't mind having them around either.

Still no word on orders. No idea when we'll know something. Kyle emailed his detailer, and he told him that we were hoping to get some adoption paperwork started ASAP. But we couldn't until we knew where we were going, so if there was anyway he could help us get orders sooner, that would be great! We'll see!

Anyways, I guess I'm done rambling on for now. I wish I had something more significant to blog about, but I don't right now! I hope everyone is having a fabulous weekend!

Tick tock! Let's go Navy. Where are we going to be going next??

We found out last week that there is a 50/50 chance that we might end up going to Saratoga Springs, NY instead of Charleston, SC. We really want Charleston. We loved it there! I won't be completely upset if we go to New York, but it's definitely not my first choice. Hopefully we'll know something for sure in the next month or two...but how long have I been saying that?! Haha!

I talked to a lady at an adoption agency in Charleston. She was really nice and really helpful! I think that if we end up there, we may end up going through them as one of our agencies. She told me that once we find out where we'll be going for sure, that we can definitely start some of the paperwork ahead of time! That was good news! I figured there was nothing I could do until we got there! She sent me 3 emails full of attachments for forms and things that we could get started on. But she did say that I should wait. If we end up going to New York, instead of Charleston, the paperwork would probably be a lot different. No sense in wasting time!

I just finished "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother". It was such a good book! She went through so many of the same feelings that I have been having. And many more that I'm sure I will have! If you are going through, considering, or even already have adopted, I really recommend this book! I started to read, "So You Want to Adopt...Now What?", but I couldn't finish it. It's written from a very strong Christian point of view. And I did not agree with a lot of what they said. For example, they said that they didn't agree with single parent adoption. And that is just one thing that I found offensive. Good thing they didn't give their opinion of gay couples adopting. I can only imagine "how terrible" they would have found it to be. And I'm just not okay with people who think they have the right to say how other people should live their lives. I put it down, and don't intend on picking it back up. But I am excited to read the other two! They seem to have potential!

A few days ago I posted an ad on Craigslist for a baby swing. I got this swing almost a year ago, with a ton of other baby stuff! A good friend of mine moved to Japan and couldn't take all of this barely used(and by barely used, I mean less than 3 weeks!) baby gear with her. Since we knew that at some point we would need it, we bought it from her. She gave us an incredible deal on a crib, changing table, swing, bouncer, bathtub, and diaper genie! I plan on keeping most of it, but I don't love this particular swing. Anyways, I posted an ad on CL about how it was given to me, blah blah blah. Didn't go into details. This morning, I received an email from a woman, who was not very polite! She said that I had some nerve to try to sell something that was given to me! And shame one me when there are young mothers out there who can't afford things for their babies! And how dare I think that was okay while I sit on my lovely couch while reaping the benefits of something that was given to me! I could not believe what I was reading! Who does that?! I wrote her back and told her how dare she assume anything about me! I'm guessing I made her feel like an asshole, by telling her that while those young mothers couldn't afford things, at least they could have babies! And that I was trying to sell the swing to put it towards our adoption fund! She never wrote me back. I searched her email address on Myspace and this woman is 42 years old with three grown children and two grandchildren. Who the hell acts like that?? Whatever. I'm definitely not letting her get to me.

My Birthday/Christmas Wish List!

Some of these are very wishful thinking! But it's always nice to dream, right?



THe number one thing on my wish list! LoL How cute is this?! I want them! Seriously the cutest picture ever!



I want new dishes!

Look at this super cute coat!

This sweater dress would go so great with my new brown boots!

I love these black boots from Aldo!

Who doesn't love shiny things?! But I think I might actually be getting one of these for my birthday!

I would love some new lenses for my camera too!

And who can forget the giftcards?!

I'm sure there will be more to add to it!

I bought more books!

Since we are seriously considering the adoption option, I figured I need to get as educated as possible! Especially since we have almost 6 more months until we get to our new duty station, when we can finally begin the process. I bought four books tonight, plus shipping, all for just over $25! I love you, Amazon.com! These should keep me occupied for awhile! Though I know that these will barely even begin to scratch the surface of all of the information on adoption! But hey, you have to start somewhere, right? Anyways, here are the books that I purchased!

I think I've had my fill of pregnancy announcements for awhile. Recently, I have heard nearly 10! And that's only the last couple of months! Seriously. That is just ridiculous. And that doesn't count the ten(at least!) other pregnant women that I know, or the handful that have recently given birth. I have been doing really well with most of it. Really, I have. A lot better than I would have been a year ago. But then they just kept coming and coming. And three of the recent ones have come from close friends of mine, not just acquaintances. Which makes it a little tougher. I'm happy for them, I really am. But like I said before, it is possible for me to be happy for you, and sad for me at the same time. It's just so much to handle though. And only one of the girls that is pregnant really truly struggled to get there. She went through so much. But other than her, none of the others know what I'm feeling. Several of them tried for less than a year, and then the rest got pregnant on accident. That one hurts the most. And I know that it's hard for them to understand why I'm not jumping with joy for them. And I hope that they know that it's nothing personal.

Ugh! I hate feeling like this! I hate sitting here being all sad and weepy. I do not like being this girl. I just wish that we could move, and get the adoption process started. Kyle and I are coming to terms with the fact that a biological child is probably not in the cards for us. And we're working on being okay with that. But it's hard. If we could just get something started, it would help to be able to be actually doing something. Right now, we're stuck in limbo, with our hands tied. Waiting. Story of our life. I try to keep my mind off of it all, but it's hard when I'm surrounded by babies and bellies.

I feel like the last man standing. Most of my friends in my circle(locally and internet), all have children and/or are pregnant. And many of them are working on their second and third babies. And most of them that are, I have seen them go through at least one prior pregnancy. Almost all of the friends that I have that don't have kids either a.)aren't quite to the point of being ready yet or b.) don't want kids. I have one other friend who desperately wants to be a momma too. She is going through the adoption process right now. And I know that she will be a great support system once we start! But until, I will sit by and watch the rest of the world procreate. One belly at a time.

Facelift!

So what do you think of the new facelift? And the new title? I think this one finally fits!!

Tell me what you think!

I don't want to be the crazy monkey lady!!

As you may have noticed, I have changed the title of my blog again...the other one didn't seem to fit. This one doesn't either, so don't be surprised if it changes again.

My blog has been having a very negative tone lately. On one hand, it's because this is my outlet for all of those feelings. But on the other hand, I don't want to be perceived as being this way all the time. I'm not. Mostly due to the fact that I am able to come here, type it out, and walk away. Usually. Anyways, I figured it wouldn't hurt to lighten things up a bit! At least for today!

The other night, Kyle and I happened to come across the TLC show, My Monkey Baby. These people adopt monkeys and treat them just like babies! Now let me preface this story with another story, so that this makes more sense. A few months ago, I was joking around with some of my friends. And I was telling them that since Kyle and I were never going to be able to have children, we were just going to adopt a monkey instead. We're going to name her Jasmine and treat her just like a baby, and expect everyone around to treat her that way as well! Then I would do my impersonation of myself once we got her. "Jasmine! Jasmine get down! Say hi, Jasmine! Jasmine, say hi! Jasmine get down!!" And it was very funny to joke about! Well then, I came across this show. A show about people who really do that! When I was joking around about it, I didn't realize that there were people actually like that out there! One women was never able to have children of her own, "so she fills her life with monkeys." When I told one of my friends that this will totally be me one day, she said that if I start buying monkeys, she is having me committed! Haha! Though I never see myself resorting to this, instead of actual children, I can kind of see how someone might would get there. Hopefully though, I will stick to human babies!

What if?

Because it is "that time of the month", that time where I turn into a big ole baby and just cry about everything, my thoughts about our infertility issues are in overdrive. For awhile, I've been all about going straight to adoption. It makes sense, it is the logical thing to do. But now, I'm not so sure. I've always had this feeling that I need to do IVF. Maybe it's just my eternal optimism, maybe it's just blind hope, or maybe it's my intuition. I don't know. But I just have a feeling that if we do in vitro, it will work. And we will have our family. Kyle isn't so sold on that idea. He would much rather have the greater odds of adoption working for us. I've gone back and forth. And I still really really want to try IVF first. But here's my main dilemma. Today, as I was thinking about it, I realized something. What if I convince him that we do IVF, and then it fails. I think I could accept it, realize that at least now I know, and move on. But I'm so scared that Kyle would blame me for us not having a baby, at that point. And I'm terrified that it could cause issues in our marriage. That thought alone makes me want to not even consider it! If we were to do IVF and it failed, we wouldn't be able to move on to adoption for several years. We would have to pay off the loan from our IVF cycle. Kyle and I have something wonderful together. And I would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. Even if it means doing something that I feel like I need to do...

How do you do it?

How do normal, hard working, underpaid people come up with the money for IVF and/or adoption? Were you just really good savers? Take out loans? Ask family for help? I know you can get loans, but we already have two car loans, one personal loan, and credit card debt. No bank is going to give us a $20,000 loan when we already have that much out. If anyone who is reading this has gone through either adoption or IVF, how did you come up with the money? Now would be a great time to "delurk" as they say and come out of the shadows. Help a sister out!

I guess on one hand, a lot of IFers are older. More established. More time to build credit and savings. We're only (almost) 25. We started young. That's what your'e supposed to do right? Clearly that didn't matter in our case! Which is why I hate hearing that we're still so young and have so much time!

But I still need to know how other people come up with the money. Here I've been kind of counting on this bonus to be able to help us start our family...now I'm not sure. I had a PayPal donation button up for a long time. Everyone told me that would be a great way to get money. They all said they would be willing to help out a little. I took it down because after several several people said they would give, only two people every donated. And I don't feel right asking our families for money. Mostly because they probably don't have it anyways. But also because we have prided ourselves on coming this far and we have NEVER had to ask for help from anyone. But it's not even a pride thing. More so, an embarrassing thing. They all know what we're going through, and I think that if anyone had any extra to give, they would have already offered it. Neither Kyle or I come from wealthy families. And that's okay. Because what they can't offer in financial means, they offer in emotional support. I'm starting to get off on a tangent again. I blog the exact same way that my train of thought goes! Haha! Loops, hoops, jumps, and full steam ahead!

Anyways, so if there is anyone reading this right now who has been through this and/or has any insight, now would be a great time to speak up! Please?

Now, there is a funny smell coming from my kitchen, so I guess I should probably go take care of that. Eww!

It's October?!

That is the phrase on everyone's lips today! Where has this year gone? My my my, how time does fly!
Fall has finally arrived in the beautiful Pacific Northwest! We had a fantastic summer, but I love fall! Boots, sweaters, cute coats! Plus, pumpkin scented and flavored everything! What's not to love?

Head's up, this may be a lot of rambling. I haven't really processed this all yet, and I'm just thinking out loud here. Yesterday, I got a bit of potentially unsettling news. Though the more I think about it, the more it isn't a bad thing. Kyle heard that they are not giving orders off of the ship until you have done a complete sea tour, which is 4 years. This month is our 3 year point here. Leaving in March, it would have been 3.5 years. But now, they might be changing the rules. Which means we wouldn't get to leave until at least next October. The next deployment is scheduled for around that time! That is the worst part. I DO NOT want to do another deployment! But hopefully, if this is the case we would be able to leave right before. On the upside of things, I would get to stay here with my bests! As much as I loved living in Charleston, everyone that I knew from there before has moved on. My two best friends from there are now here. Why would I want to leave them? They are both pregnant, and I want to be there for everything! Brina is due next month and Erin is due in May. Staying means getting to see lots of their little ones! Plus, if we do stay, we are moving out of this townhouse, and going to find an actual house to rent. No more CCL!!! But then again, on the downside, and this is a huge one, if we stay, he won't be re-enlisting anytime soon, if at all. No re-enlistment means no bonus. No bonus means no baby. I don't know how people do it. How do people come up with the money on their own? But that is a whole other post on it's own that I'll do after this one.

The point of this post is that we, yet again, are in limbo! It's the story of our lives, really. When Kyle called yesterday to tell me this, I told him that we should have known better than to think we would get out of here in March. Nothing has ever gone our way. In the 5.5 years that we've been married, nothing has gone our way, or how we expected it to. Well other than our actual marriage, which is terrific! Everything from the whole STA-21 debacle, which involved buying and selling our first house in the same year, to infertility, and everything in between! But at least this time, I'm not completely upset with the possible outcome. There are pros and cons to staying. I just hope we can get a definite yes or no answer soon. I hate not knowing!

I haven't jumped off the band wagon yet!

It's been about a week since I realized that maybe doing adoption first was the way to go. And even after a week, I haven't changed my mind yet. I wasn't sure if it would be a fleeting thought or not. It's not looking like it will be. The only thing that sucks is that if we go this route, we can't even get anything started until we get to our next duty station. We're hopefully moving in about 6 months, then it will take several months to get things going. Which means it will probably be at least another year before anything comes about. For now, all I can do is read, do my research, and talk to other people who have been in my situation and already gone through it. Online support groups and forums are amazing for that!

I called my Mom today and was talking to her about it. She was very supportive and excited at the prospect of a future grandbaby! (They still don't have any! My brother and his wife suffer with IF as well, and my two sisters aren't quite ready for babies yet). But then came the dreaded phrase, "Well maybe once you adopt, maybe it'll help you relax and take your mind off of it, and you'll get pregnant! I've heard that happens a lot." For those of you who are not aware, that phrase is just as bad as, "Just relax and stop thinking about it." or "Everything will happen in God's time" or "Once you quit trying, that's when it will happen". For anyone who is dealing with infertility, those words, or anything simiarl, are the worst thing you can say to them. So before we even begin our journey to adoption, I'm just going to go ahead and put that out there! IF is a medical condition, not a mental thing.

We usually don't have much going on, but the next month or so is going to be busy! This Sunday, we're going to a Seattle Seahawks game for Kyle's birthday! His actual birthday is a week from Wednesday. Well have a small family dinner party that night. The weekend after that, Kyle is planning a date night for us! He's so cute! Not sure what we're going to do. But because it's his doing, I know I will love it! Two weekends after that we have company coming in. One of our good friends from high school and his wife are coming out to visit! We are really looking forward to seeing them! And the following weekend, we're going down to Olympia to spend time with Kyle's Aunt Amy! We love getting to see her! But we're sad that our only family in the area is moving out of state in December! Fortunately, we won't be too far behind her!

Anyways, I hope all is well with everyone! Feel free to comment and let me know that you're reading! Aunt Linda and Jules are the only two that consistently comment! But my tracker says that there are a lot more of you reading! Don't judge me! I'm nosy! Hehe! Who are my readers from Bothell and from Port Orchard?? I haven't been able to figure that one out yet!

Perhaps...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Normal. But I've been thinking a lot about Kyle's point of view, wanting to go the adoption route verses IVF. We will only have one shot. If we do IVF first and it fails or gets cancelled then that's it. We will have to wait several more years before we can try something else. Do I ask risk it? I know that adoption is not fool proof either. And if we were to get matched with a birth mother, and something were to happen, then we would also be out a baby and all of the money. But, statistically we have a better chance of bringing home a baby with adoption, as opposed to in vitro. We haven't made any decisions yet. It's just something that I am actually considering. Whereas before, I was completely against adoption until I had at least tried IVF. That was always the plan. Exhaust all other options first. Now I just don't know if I can take that risk. I am ready for a baby. I've been ready for years! I don't think I could keep waiting for years to come. If we do decide to go the adoption route, we can't even start anything though, until we get to Charleston. It would be pointless to start anything here. I guess in the meantime, I'll just keep hoping and praying that maybe, just maybe, somehow, I will get pregnant.

Kyle makes me smile!

I have the most amazing husband! He is just so utterly fantastic! Even after almost 8 years together, the man still gives me butterflies, and he knows how to sweep me off of my feet with words! Kyle is definitely not known for his romantic gestures, but he sure does know how to sweet talk me! He constantly reminds me how much he loves me! And he always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am. And how lucky he is! ::swoon:: I love that we don't argue often. And when we do, it almost always ends quickly. And it never ends with any yelling or vicious name calling. If we are ever given the chance, I know he will be the most amazing father! I really don't think that there is another man out there who is more perfect for me! He is my Boo. My one and only. Always and forever.

Breathe. Stretch. Shake. Let it go.

After having a bit of a meltdown last week, I'm feeling much better. I'm back in the acceptance phase. I come and go from it quite often. But for now, I am just going to be happy with what I do have, not sad for what I don't. I have an amazing husband who loves me so much! He is so great to me, and is my rock. I have fantastic friends who accept me for me, and put up with my shit, on a daily basis! And that can't be easy! I have a wonderful family! Even though they are so far away, they support me emotionally and are always there to listen to me cry! Life is good! Yes, it would be that much better with a baby, but for now, it's just Kyle and I. And we should continue to enjoy it being just the two of us! We can go somewhere at the drop of a dime. We don't have to worry about finding childcare, or packing 10 million extra things, or waking up in the middle of the night, or even having to share our food with tiny little hands that like to have what's on your plate! Hehe! And while I will be thrilled to death when I do have to deal with those things, for now, I will enjoy the peace and quiet of this house.

I finished my first back. And it was such a great read! I got the other book, the budgeting for IF one, and it's not nearly as entertaining. Imagine that! Ha! But I'm still holding out hope that once it gets past explaining all of the stuff that I already know, I might can actually learn something from it.

For now, I am off to bed! Kyle had duty last night, so I'm looking forward to snuggling with him tonight! I hope everyone has a fun and safe holiday weekend!

3 years.

Today is the first day of September. Which means, three years ago this month, we started down the road to beginning our family. I always thought it would take awhile. But never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that three years from then, that we would have nothing to show for it all. I am a mess today. I am so emotionally drained. All day yesterday and today, I have been fighting back tears constantly. I haven't wanted to talk to or see anyone. I was barely able to make it through a conversation with Kyle when he called from work. Unfortunately, I cannot lay in bed, in my own self pity, all day because I have to work. Everytime I feel tears starting to come on, I run into the bathroom and fan my face and bite back the tears. This sucks. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I knew that arriving on this date would be tough, but this is way worse than expected.

I got one of my new books in the mail yesterday, Navigating the Land of If: Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options. It is a great book and has definitely been somewhat comforting to know that there are others out there. I would strongly recommend this book to anyone who is dealing with infertility.

There was one section that really hit close to home. It was about me being able to be sad for me, but happy for someone who has recently gotten good news. This is the one thing that I have had the most trouble with. Anytime I find out that another friend is expecting (and this is a BIG number, since it's been 3 years!), I have always needed a little space. I tend to push the person away for a period of time. But I do this not just for me, but for them as well. I push them away so that my sad isn't raining on their parade of happy. And every single time, I have always gotten the same reaction from that person, angry and hurt! They get angry and hurt at me! They are hurt because I need space. Because I couldn't be excited. And every single time, I always feel bad for making them feel bad. But then I realize, hello! I am hurt too! I am hurt that they are getting what I want so very badly. And they have the nerve to tell me that, I hurt them? I don't get it. And neither do they. We will never be able to see each other's side of the fence. But the last nine months, I have gotten a lot better about it. I have been able to be happy for them, but still sad for me, at the same time. I just never had to words to articulate that, until I read it in the book. I'm sure there are going to be many more pregnancy and birth announcements before/if I ever get the chance to announce my own. And it's something that will always be hard for me. But hopefully next time, I can explain a little better how/why I feel this way...

Now I'm just going off on a tangent. The point of this blog is that today, I am not okay. And probably not tomorrow either. I don't know when I will be. But hopefully soon, I can pull myself out this and get back on the path to exiting the land of infertility...

Update. Kind of.

I had my doctor's appointment on Friday. And it went exactly like I was expecting it to. Dr. Bob told us that there really isn't much else he can do, and that it is probably time to move on to in-vitro. I've known this. But it was nice for Kyle to hear it from someone other than me. After we got home, I got on the Seattle Reproductive Medicine website. I found a link to email someone about the entire financial aspect of visits, tests, ect. I knew approximately what a round of IVF costs. But it's not like you show up one time, and then that's all you pay. So I needed to know what we would be getting ourselves into. I received this email back this morning. It was yet another smack in the face (You think I would be used to these by now, considering how often it happens!), but at least we have an idea now. Here's what he said:

Hi Tiffany,
Thanks for the inquiry. Our general estimate for IVF can range from $16,000 - $19,000. The cost of the IVF cycle is $10,436, medications can run from $3000 - $6000. As far as office visits and pre cycle evaluations, it depends on what you've done in the past and what you may have to update.

New Patient visit is $350.
If the doctor does anything else at this visit then it's an additional charge.
Ultrasounds range from $175 - $220
Blood work prices vary. It depends on the blood work
Injection Teaching Class is $50
Consent signing consult is $250 - $300
Uterine Evaluations cane range from $600 - $800
Semen Analysis is $125
Once again this all depends on what our physisican recommends and what you've done in the past. Hope this helps
-Bill

Why does it all have to be so expensive? Why can't I just get pregnant for free, like everyone else. Or why can't I just accept the fact that we can't afford it, and get over it, and live a childless life? Kyle and I have a good life together. It's just the two of us. We can go where we want when we want, without having to worry about anything. We're really great together. And because of everything we've been through together in the past almost 8 years, we are incredibly strong. We would make amazing parents. Both of us. That is, if ever given the opportunity.

Motherhood is this exclusive club. And it's like when you're little and your friends start a club, but won't let you in. That's how I feel. I am one of the very few of my friends that don't have kids. I feel like I'm standing alone, outside in the cold, looking in. Looking in on something that I can never have. Sometimes they come out to share little bits and pieces, secrets almost, about their club. But then they run back inside. And slam the door in my face. Too bad we can't afford the $20,000 plus membership fee. Not right now anyways. Maybe someday...

Life Lessons.

I got this in an email from Kyle's Mema Linda. And I figured these rules can apply to any and every life! I know more than several hit close to home for me! Enjoy!


Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends & parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.The 2nd one is up to you & no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In 5 years, will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. People love you because of who you are.
34. Don't audit life. Show up & make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up & show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
45. Remember that I will always share my spoon with you! Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.

I heart new books!

I just ordered a couple of new books from Amazon. I got Navigating the Land of If: Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options by Melissa Ford, and I also purchased Budgeting for Infertility: How to Bring Home a Baby Without Breaking the Bank by Evelina W Sterling. I've good things about the first one. Not familiar with the second one, but was recommended on one of the blogs I follow. I figure that since cost is our number one factor that is stoppping us from IVF, maybe we can learn something helpful! Either way, I love reading, and this will give me some new material.

Going to see Dr. Bob on Friday! Don't worry! I'll be sure to update afterwards! Fingers crossed for something useful!

I like this.

I've come across these quotes, and I think they all apply to our situation, in one way or another. After my hateful attituide yesterday, I figured an upper might be more appropriate today.

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place" ~Unknown~

"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles, even when her heart is broken. And the girl who could always brighten your day, even when she couldn't brighten her own."

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass...it is about learning to dance in the rain."

"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going."

"The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be." -Horace Bushnell

"Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true."
-Leon J. Suenes

"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." -Bill Cosby

"Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it has all finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself...'How did I get through all of that?'"

Yesterday, I called and scheduled another appointment with Dr. Bob. Even though, at this point, I've kind of let go of hope, Kyle is still holding on. He wants me to take him with me to the appointment so that he can talk with the doctor. It's really important to Kyle, so I'll humor him. Though I really don't think Bob is going to do anything more than he already has. Maybe when we can finally get to see some better doctors, my hope will come back. But for now, they've kind of disapated. And please don't give me the whole, "don't lost hope, blah blah blah" lines. It's been three years. I have every right to feel the way I do.

Today is just a very angry, bitter day. Towards everything, not just trying to get pregnant. Hopefully it's gone by tomorrow.

Surprise surprise.

The first month back was a fail. Not that I'm surprised. I fully expected it not to work. I started my second round of Femara on Wednesday. And once again, I'm not expecting to get pregnant this month. I just have a feeling that this isn't what I need. Next month, after my period shows up, and I call my doctor's office to get more meds, I'm going to make an appointment to go back in to talk to Dr. Bob again. This time Kyle wants to come with me. We're going to see if after two unsuccessful rounds(and by two, I mean more like 15!), he'll move on to something else. And if not, maybe at that point we can be able to go down to SRM.

Next month will be the three year mark of trying to get pregnant. It's going to be hard. And it's not getting any easier. Starting in October, the first friend of mine that is pregnant is due. And then it seems like every few weeks after her, it will be someone else's turn to go into labor. This is going to keep happening, one after the other until at least into March or April. And I guarentee, during that time, more friends and people I know are going to turn up pregnant. I'm certain I'm going to be fairly miserable. I have recently realized that I am so very close to being that woman who bursts into tears at the site of babies or bellies. I do not want to be her, but I can feel it coming. I feel really awful for whoever is with me when that happens. It is not going to be cute.

Today, I was in Babies R Us with one of my pregnant friends. That store loves to rip my heart to pieces. But I put myself into the position to be tortured. I dont' know why, but I do. I'm surprised I held my shit together in there. But I did. And I made it out alive.

Anyways, I hadn't updated in awhile, and I figured it was about time. Nothing new to report, as usual. I really hope to one day be able to announce that I am finally pregnant...but I'm not quite sure that day will ever come...